I am not your average fitness blogger.
Tonight, I attempted to do what I see on health & fitness blogs all over America: bake cookies and kabocha squash. The adventure started because I had the luxury of working from home today which gave me some more time to myself. Which led to idle hands.
At 4:30 I took a quick ride to the store, bought massive amounts of supplies for cookies and 1 kabocha squash (total = $85, wtf? no control, mel… no control). I set out to bake the cookies first, and prepared the dough. The plan was to make sandwich cookies: almond sugar cookies sandwiched together with apricot jam, then dipped in chocolate. Stupendous possibilities awaited my stomach.
Mistake number 1: not putting the dough far enough apart on the backing sheet.
I set the cookies on my floor to cool while I got started on cutting up the kabocha squash. Small counter space in a Brooklyn apartment will make you do that. The squash cutting went pretty well, I’ve had some recent practice on butternut squash so I felt pretty competitent. I got down to the last, awkwardly shaped piece that needed to be sliced in half.
Then it happened. Mistake number two: I sliced my finger instead.
I’m the kind of person who can’t look at blood without getting nauseous, so you can imagine my reaction to seeing my finger stabbed with a knife. The cut was very deep. I almost threw up (tmi?). I ran to my cell phone to call 911, but then realized that might be a little over the top, and called my friend instead. She calmly asked me if I chopped off a piece or if it was a stab wound. Who can ask a question like that so calmly? “Did you chop off a piece..or..”. Noteworthy.
She talked me through the ordeal, and after about twenty minutes of applying pressure, I ended up with a small bandaid on my finger. This bandaid does not do my near death kitchen experience justice.
After calming down. I returned to the squash, went back to cut the last piece successfully this time, and put them in the oven. 400 degrees for 30 minutes if you’re interested. I took a test bite; sweet tasting and the texture was more dense than I anticipated. In a good way.
While the squash was in the oven, it was time to make the cookies into sandwiches and dip them in chocolate. How do you make decent looking sandwiches with pentagon shaped cookies? You don’t, friends. I decided I would just put jelly on half of one cookie, and dip that half into chocolate. This would also yield more cookies. Genius.
To melt the chocolate chips I put them in the microwave for 1 minute. After stirring, it was velvety smooth and amazing looking. But about two minutes in, it started to get thick again. Duh. So what did I do?
Mistake number three: Do not attempt to re-microwave solidifying chocolate.
The result? The portion touching the bowl gets a chalky consistency, and everything gets lumpy. I decided to stop being a lazy mofo and put the bowl in a pot of hot water and stir it like a good cook would. I had to add milk to get it to be creamy again. It did get velvety, but it was still lumpy, and had a weird dark color. It also didn’t make for good dipping so I kind of just spread the chocolate on the cookie bottoms. The final cookies look like someone’s sad attempt to make fancy cookies. That’s about accurate.
Blood, sweat and tears. Oh, and kabocha and cookies. Victory?